Today's Real Estate Porn

Yeah, this place is pretty much the most awesome beach house ever. Check out the slideshow.


Now excuse me while I get that spare $12 million out from under my mattress.

Stop! In the Name of the Law!

Whomever came up with this clearly has the direct dial into my brain.


You too can join the ranks of the all-volunteer behavior police!

Cojones

Sometimes you just need to get some big ass balls and hang them on a wall. To wit:

Colorful, functional, and awesome.

Three Little Pigs

Greetings Cybershoppers! Feast your eyes on this trio of awesomeness:


Why not own up to the gluttony that inevitably accompanies the month of December (and the eleven other months of the year)? Embrace your inner Big Bad Wolf and pork out with these little bacon buddies. Totally Kosher!! Oink!

Love Letter

Dear TJ,

You are my secret boyfriend. But it’s not a secret because everyone knows how much I love you. In the over 20 years that we have known each other, you have brought great joy to my life. You should also know that your not-so-distant cousin Marshall is also my bitch. Occasionally, I cheat on you with him. I’ve also had dalliances with your slutty stepbrother, Homegoods. I have enjoyed the company of you and your extended family in at least 10 states. Yeah, I'm easy when it comes to the max for the minimum. Don’t even pretend like you don’t like it like that.

What do I love most about you and your kin? Perhaps it’s the kitchenware. Calphalon pots and pans for under twenty bucks? Chantal bakeware at 80% off? Cookbooks for $5.99? Perhaps it’s the bed linens. An entire Calvin Klein duvet and sheet set, complete with matching shams and blanket, for $50? In a California King? Are you kidding me with that? Perhaps it’s the children’s department. Pink poodle table and chairs? Juicy Couture hoodies and sweats? Groovy Girls dolls? Perhaps it’s all the tchotch I have acquired over the years. The good stuff, like the Jonathan Adler dome, or the Orrefors candlesticks, or the Kate Spade vases, or the Tepper Jackson plates, or the Wegman coffee table book. Damn, I have a lot of awesome shit thanks to you. In this Choose Your Own Adventure, every path seemingly leads to treasure. Oh sure, every now and then you become a cranky whore and steel away your most fabulous wares for another occasion. But you always make up for it with a bountiful booty at my next visit. You’re such a tease. And I love you for it.

Even though the overwhelming majority of your wares are made by little hands, and even though I probably singlehandedly have sustained an entire Chinese village through my generous economic support of your cause, I still adore you. I am yours forever. Abuse me at your will, my master.

Love,
Jennifer

An Ode To My Uggs

Ten soldiers exposed and quivering
Alone. Abandoned. Bare.
They know a slow and painful death is certain
Will salvation ever be theirs?
But wait!
They hear your purr from behind closed doors
Baaa. Baaa. Baaa.
The soldiers' call to arms!
They spring to action, attentive and ready
They know what is in store for them
Up the stairs, searching for a savior
Round the corner, a rescue is near
The doors fling open
What is in the corner?
Tall, brown, suede
With a pocket! For supplies, no doubt
The end to suffering awaits!
In they go, all ten soldiers
Close the door, never to escape
Never wanting to leave
And they never will

Woof! Part Two.

Does John/Jim count as The Most Awesomest Stuff Ever? It's my blog, and I say yes!

Woof!

Greetings Cybershoppers! Today's first installment is both practical and awesome, particularly for those wee little pups with wispy hair and little meat on their bones who live in the Frozen Tundra.

My little Piper Doodle is a very good dog indeed, notwithstanding the incessant name-calling by her Grandmother. Despite the repeated attempts to diminish her self-esteem, Piper has a steely resolve. And it's fucking cold outside, so she deserves a cute jacket to warm her little pink skin.

Clutching My Heart

Thank you, Alexis Hudson, for creating the most awesomest clutch ever. I have no clue who you are, or where you came from, but you have warmed my grinchy, cold, black heart this holiday season. Congratulations, bitch.

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

Oh Skull Art, why are you so awesome, yet so scary?


You and your pseudo Damien Hirst goodness would be hanging in my bedroom right now ... if I didn't think I would wake up in the middle of the night, in a cold sweat, screaming at the very sight of you. Alas.

In The Beginning, There Were MY Favorite Things.

Hello Cybershoppers! Welcome to The Most Awesomeset Stuff Ever. For those of you who know me, you know that I am (1) obsessed with shopping; (2) able to sniff out awesome shit from the four corners of the Earth; and (3) can always find a good deal. In this space, I will combine the three, resulting in a legally-authorized polygamy. Hallelujah! Let's begin.

First off, Oprah and her favorite things can SUCK IT. Excuse me, but measuring cups and Josh Groban? Seriously O, you inhaled way too many fumes from your cross country trip with BFF Gayle King. Let me set you straight with 20 fabulous items that I assure you everyone wants. Oprah style, yo.

1. Kate Spade scarf and cap



2. Coach Legacy Stripe Dog Collar
3. MARC by Marc Jacobs Posh Super K Satchel


4. Jonathan Adler giraffe
5. Eames lounger and ottoman
6. Gap half zip fleece pullover
7. Duran Duran Red Carpet Massacre
8. PB Loco peanut butter with dark chocolate
9. J. Crew Maisie flats
10. Philips Multiformat DVD-R/-RW/+R/+RW Recorder
11. Shun Classic 19-piece block set
12. Stott Pilates Reformer
13. Viking 48” Open Burner, Dual Fuel Range

14. Kit Kat Klock

15. diptyque figuier candle

16. Bliss lemon and sage body butter

17. Pleated knit blanket

18. Charley Harper: An Illustrated Life

19. ihome clock radio for ipod

20. Tumi Tech Pulse luggage

The key to this list, my fellow Cybershoppers, is to combine the ridiculous with the attainable, with a little bit of within-reach luxury in between. Thus, we have modesty in the form of peanut butter, lotion and fleece from the Gap. We have sane splurges in the form of a dog collar, designer handbag and a cozy blanket. And we have outrageousness in the form of the top of the line set of knives, luggage and cooktop. And all of this shit is awesome. Take that O!**







**I am deluding myself into thinking that Oprah actually cares what I think and/or that I have one (or twenty) upped her. Don't burst my bubble!